ISLAND CLAWS - BLU-RAY REVIEW

Taking its cue from any number of ‘50s monster flicks, Hernan Cardenas’ ISLAND CLAWS finally made its digital debut this past October courtesy of Scorpion Releasing, and despite its flat TV-like origins, it looks absolutely fantastic on this Limited Edition Blu-Ray.

A small island off the coast of Florida has seen a sudden, rather alarming, increase in their crab population, and even worse, these marauding little critters are making their way out of the ocean and are on the offensive.  Their aggressive behaviour could be attributed to a large toxic spill from the nearby nuclear power plant or it may have something to do with Dr. McNeil (Barry Nelson) and his team of marine biologists.  They’re working on accelerating the growth cycle of some marine life and the local crustaceans are showing signs of progress, which they hope will help eventually alleviate the global food shortages.  Of course, like any “nature runs amok” film, these rather imprudent ideas always give way to some bigger, more dangerous problem.  This time, a crab the size of a house terrorizes the local populace.

Not sure if this was ever meant to play theatrically, but ISLAND CLAWS plays out like any TV “Movie of the Week” with lots of padding and some innocent PG-rated mayhem; the only thing missing are the usual fade-to-black intermissions for commercial breaks.  Coming across like a mid-day soap opera, there is plenty of build-up with lots of characters and various sub-plots, some of which vanish as quickly as they’re introduced.  Even though the film opens with a toxic spill, this angle is barely expanded on and even the power plant’s head supervisor Frank Raines (Dick Callinan), who is conveniently set-up as the bad guy, disappears from the rest of the film as well.  He is only mentioned in passing when his daughter Jan Raines (Jo McDonnell), a reporter researching a story on world hunger, teams up with Dr. McNeil’s assistant Pete (Steve Hanks) and his surrogate father Moody (Robert Lansing), whose hostility towards Frank is still very much a sore point; apparently Frank “drove off the causeway” and killed Pete’s parents many years ago.  Moody runs ‘The Half Shell’, a local fisherman’s bar that is right out of a B-movie western, whose clientele seem to be employed more as barflies than fisherman.  When Amos (Mal Jones), the town drunk, is killed by the giant crab in his out-of-the-way trailer, a mob mentality is formed against the local, and illegal, Haitian population (“It’s them Haitians who done it!”) by the consistently inebriated Half Shell crowd.  Although Moody tries to dissuade them, they can’t get past the Haitians' “voodoo” practices, which they blame on just about everything.  Of course, Pete and Jan begin to suspect something far more dangerous when they discover an inordinately large and recently shed crab shell.  It’s here, in the film’s final act where the locals finally put aside their petty squabbles and band together against the giant killer crab, which at first glance, is actually quite impressive.  Even though the climactic showdown is well cut for maximum excitement, the crab doesn’t do a whole lot other than wave it’s “giants claws” and angrily roar, but despite its limitations, it’s great, silly fun that any monster-fan will enjoy just the same.

Although everyone in the cast offer decent but unspectacular performances, the film definitely benefits from Robert Lansing’s turn as the crusty old islander, which at times feels like a combination between Roy Scheider’s Captain Brody and Robert Shaw’s Quint from JAWS (1975), no doubt as much an inspiration on this film as the ‘50s monster flicks it tries to emulate.  Ironically, Mr. Lansing also battled giant ants a few years earlier in Bert I. Gordon’s EMPIRE OF THE ANTS (1977) and then battled flesh-hungry cockroaches in Terence Winkless’ The NEST (1988).

Perfect as a Saturday morning timewaster, ISLAND CLAWS will most likely not endear many new fans, but those that caught this either on TV or via Vestron’s 3-decades old VHS will be pleasantly surprised by the clarity of this Blu-Ray.  Limited to 1200 copies, pick up a copy from Diabolik DVD before it scuttles away into oblivion for good.  

THE NOSTRIL PICKER - DVD REVIEW

Long forgotten and never released in the US or Canada, Mark Nowicki’s The CHANGER (1988) became better known as The NOSTRIL PICKER, when it debuted on UK home video sometime in the early ‘90s.  Specialty label Massacre Video has decided to stick with this preposterous title, which in all honesty, is much more eye-popping than The CHANGER, but in a nice gesture, Massacre Video has also provided reversible cover art for each title.

Carl Zschering plays Joe Bukowski, a pathetic loner that doesn’t do a whole lot except wander aimlessly through the streets, hang out in his rundown apartment and, when he gets really desperate, even eats “beef flavor dog food” out of a can.  Obviously, his luck with women is equally hopeless (“All I wanna do is talk to ya”), that is, until he meets a homeless guy who teaches him about “morphosynthesis… a kind of spell”, which enables him to change his appearance at his own volition and “live out his perverse fantasies”.

Like most ‘80s direct-to-video horror, The NOSTRIL PICKER is mostly played for laughs, and despite a nasty edge and underlying mean streak, it’s still overshadowed by its mostly lame attempts at comedy.  After mumbling some gibberish, or as he calls it, “jive-ass bullshit”, Joe inadvertently discovers his new powers, and as “Jo” (Ann Flood), the new girl in school, he quickly gains the friendship of other high school girls, which is certainly discomforting knowing his motives.  Then, out of nowhere, a lowly John Hughes-inspired montage unfolding to the strains of Schoolin’ - a suitably tacky song that most ‘80s video junkies will undoubtedly love – thankfully nullifies that queasy atmosphere as he wanders the hall, attempts to do homework, fends off advances from other guys, and yes, even picks his nose.  Later that night, babysitting with one of his “girlfriends”, they watch “Attack of the Cannibal Girls” on the local “Horror Showcase”, which eventually triggers him to kill.  Not revealing too much, his killing spree continues to escalate as a local detective (Edward Tanner) gets on the case and, in a typically contrived plot twist, he just happens to be the father of Jennifer (Laura Cummings), one of “Jo’s” new friends.  Of course, it all gets a little too overwhelming for Joe and, in another memorable moment, he gets into a scuffle with one of his potential victims using a pair of “marital aids” before getting knocked out cold.  But, even at a scant 76 minutes, this is still pretty fat through the middle, which is somewhat redeemed by the nifty and equally nasty twist ending.

Distributed by Cinevest Entertainment Group, this was a small production and distribution company headed by Arthur Schweitzer.  Under this banner, Schweitzer produced a handful of films in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s, many of which, like this film, also never saw a release in the US or Canada.  Although Vinegar Syndrome (hence the VinSyn logo on the bottom right hand corner on the back of the DVD) acquired his small library of films, Massacre Video will also unleash Brett Piper’s barely released MUTANT WAR (1988), another Schweitzer production, sometime in the near future.

The most significant extra is a 20-minute interview with producer/cinematographer Patrick J. Mathews who, along with Nowicki and writer Steven Hodge, worked at CBS/Fox Home Video in the film transfer department as colorists and video editors.  This informative interview highlights the making of the film, their collaboration and certain pitfalls of making a low-budget film in the ‘80s.  Well worth the listen. A very detailed behind-the-scenes stills gallery and trailers, including one for this film, round out the extras.

Anyone weaned on this type of stuff – low-budget ‘80s trash – will find plenty to enjoy, but it’s also spirited enough to entice new viewers or, as one character sneakily remarks watching “Horror Showcase”, “It’s probably great if you’ve been smokin’ dope!”

You can order The NOSTRIL PICKER from Diabolik DVD here.

MURDER ON THE EMERALD SEAS - DVD REVIEW

At the recent Cinema Wasteland Movie & Memorabilia Expo held on the 3rd, 4th and 5th of October, Vinegar Syndrome released Alan Ormsby’s once thought-to-be-lost MURDER ON THE EMERALD SEAS (1973 – the end title card lists the film as ‘74) as a special Cinema Wasteland limited edition DVD.  According to Vinegar Syndrome’s director of production Ryan Emerson, Exhumed Films provided the original 35mm film print and, despite some tattered reel changes, it looks surprisingly good.

Also known as The GREAT MASQUERADE BALL or The AC/DC CAPER, this odd comedy was filmed a year after Bob Clark and Alan Ormsby’s CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS (1972) and even utilized some of the same cast members.  Revolving around The Artists and Models Ball organized by “one of the richest men in America”, Sherwood P. Gates (Roberts Blossom – appearing a year before his truly unnerving role in Ormsby’s DERANGED [1974]), this prestigious event has been marred by murder when “each beauty met a horrible death shortly after being crowned Queen of the Artists.”  In order to end this “jinx”, Mr. Gates decides to move the event onto his cruise ship, the SS Emerald Seas, but the Miami Police Department is also keen to apprehend this mysterious beauty queen killer, who, for reasons unknown, dresses as a clown.  They assign rookie cop Dave Collins (Robert Perault), but much to his chagrin, he has to dress in drag to try and lure the killer out into the open.  Will the police finally “put their foot down on Sherwood Gates Balls?” 

Puns, innuendos and the above mentioned double entendre is just one such example of the lowbrow humour that pervades much of the film.  Originally conceived as a comedy and similar in concept (on a tenth of the budget) to Mel Brooks’ then-current, but still unreleased films, BLAZING SADDLES (1974) and YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (1974), MURDER ON THE EMERALD SEAS is just as much a spoof on past Hollywood cinema – this time it’s silent films.  Keystone cops out of a Mack Sennett production, animated title cards, a score right out of the ‘20s courtesy of Michael J. Valentino and broad caricatures typify much of the film, although this time, it’s all mixed together with elements from Bruce Kessler’s The GAY DECEIVERS (1969) and typical ‘70s sleaze.  At one point, Dave is sent to Charm School and learns how to “regard himself as a creation and not a freak” and to “move with grace”, but then at the Ball as Faith Cummings (his new identity), he accidentally takes a piss standing up as a perplexed Mr. Gates catches him in the act.  Of course, in another typically clichéd but funny moment, Mr. Gates still hits on him despite his “strong grip”.  But Mr. Gates has bigger problems than gaining the affections of Faith, his mobster buddies including Vito Veto (Lee Sandman) and Paco the Paranoid (John Di Santi) are also on board the Emerald Seas and need his help. 

From L to R: Paul Cronin, Roberts Blossom and Robert Perault.

Shot in Miami, Florida, much of the nudity and sleaze in this current version (including the great opening) were most likely added at a later date to help improve the marketability of this barely released film, which didn’t seem to help and the film sank into obscurity just the same.  Directed by “Frank M. Grinter”, these additional scenes could have been the work of Brad F. Grinter, a fellow Florida exploitation filmmaker responsible for Veronica Lake's last film FLESH FEAST (1970) and the mind-boggling BLOOD FREAK (1972).  Of course, its just speculation, but it wouldn’t be surprising.  The names are just too similar to casually dismiss.

The killer about to strike!

Although this was Robert Perault’s first film, he’s actually pretty funny in that naïve sort of way as he slowly uncovers the main culprits of this whacky whodunit and, yes, he looks completely ridiculous as a “Spanish senorita” in the film’s climatic beauty pageant.  Roberts Blossom is easily the most accomplished actor in this ensemble piece and, after his work with Alan Ormsby, he became a fairly successful character actor in such Hollywood blockbusters as Steve Spielberg’s CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1978), Don Siegel’s ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ (1979) John Carpenter’s CHRISTINE (1983) and the mega-blockbuster HOME ALONE (1990) as Macaulay Culkin’s creepy next door neighbour Old Man Marley.  In keeping with its Florida roots, the rest of the cast is comprised of locals that have appeared in numerous low-budget flicks of the period.  Gay Perkins as Sherwood’s girlfriend appeared in William Grefe’s The HOOKED GENERATION (1968) while Dick Sterling, as charm school director Gregory La Salle, also showed up in another Grefe film, MAKO: THE JAWS OF DEATH (1976).  One of the more interesting cast members was character actor John DiSanti, who went on to appear in Bob Fosse’s LENNY (1974), Dom DeLuise’s HOT STUFF (1979) and as J.J. “Gross Out” Gumbroski in Ken Wiederhorn’s ANIMAL HOUSE (1978) rip-off KING FRAT (1979).  Anya Ormsby (as Dave’s confused girlfriend), Paul Cronin (as Casey, a fellow cop) and Jeff Gillen (as a dim-witted scapegoat) all appeared in CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS a year before.  Also look for ex-Tarzan Johnny Weissmuller as a beauty pageant judge and comedian Henny Youngman at a local fleapit bar in one of the silliest cameos ever. 

Properly shown in its original 1.85:1 aspect ratio, this limited edition DVD has a print run of 500 copies and may become available via Vinegar Syndrome’s website at a later date, so check periodically.  Also, check out Chris Poggiali’s essential Temple of Schlock for further information on this now, thankfully, recovered film.

Paul Cronin and Robert Perault trying to be inconspicuous.